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What NOT to Say to a Breast Cancer Survivor

By Megan

From The Occasional Hot Flash

We survivors can be a prickly bunch. Many things people have told me -- with all good intentions -- have set my teeth on edge:

  • "I know you're going to be fine because you have such a great attitude." Sleepless and scared in the middle of the night, I have a lousy attitude, and now I'll worry that my attitude is going to do me in.
  • "My sister's friend had breast cancer three times, and she's fine." Trust me, she's not.
  • "So you're cured, right?" Only when I die of something else.
  • "Trust your gut." I am not intuitive, and neither is my digestive tract.
  • "There's a woman in my gym who didn't have reconstruction, and her mastectomy is so in-your-face, I think it really upsets people." What's her name? I'd love to talk to her.

I know these statements were motivated by a sincere desire to offer comfort and encouragement and helpful advice. And I appreciated them on that level. But they really rubbed me the wrong way.

What have people said to you that you wish they hadn't?

Posted October 4, 2010.

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I think the worst thing that anyone ever said to me while I was in treatment was something to the effect about how I always seemed to be stressed out with the implication that I had brought this on myself.

— Madeleine Tress

 
I was walking to take my train home and I met a friend of mine that I have not seen for a couple of months. I was on my 4th treatment of chemotherapy (A-C & T) and wearing a wig because a lost my hair. I was so happy to see her and smiling and then she said: "Oh you look older"...I don't think I can call her my friend anymore....It's the worst greeting that someone can say to a person with breast cancer.

— JJ

 
I looked up an old friend whom I hadn't seen in 20 years. We went to lunch and upon hearing that I'd had cancer, he said: "It's so ironic. You were always such a hypochondriac and you actually did get cancer!"

— Antonia

 
Antonia, That reminds me of the really wonderful reaction of my son, a self-acknowledged hypochondriac. When I told him I had cancer, he said, "I know just how you feel. I've been imagining for years that I have cancer." Talk about empathy!

— Megan

 
My best friend from high school (France, 1958) when I told her of my diagnosis said: "that is OK, nobody dies of that anymore!" In France, maybe? Who knew?

— Anne-Marie

 
I went to see an old friend. I had a hat on over my scarf which covered my hairless head. When I took my hat off, she started laughing and said I looked like a Jewish bubba (grandmother). I'm 58 and not a grandmother.

— Nancy

 
My former boss would repeatedly advise me not to wear my wig by calling it "that old ugly thing" and then laugh. She would then say my (very) short hair was cute. She was generally not a nice person, so it was not a compliment.

— Joanne

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