For Partners and Caregivers

A caregiver is someone who provides physical, emotional, spiritual, financial or practical support to a person with a serious illness. It means setting aside your own daily activities to be there for someone else during a crisis. Providing this support to someone you care about can often be daunting or overwhelming. Because this role is so important and means that you are an active participant and team member in the fight against breast and ovarian cancers, we have some suggestions that you might find helpful.

What Every Partner or Caregiver Should Know

Caregivers may be partners, spouses, friends and family.
Being a supportive partner or caregiver is not easy. Often, it is not possible for one person to manage all of a patient's needs. As a partner or caregiver, you may need the help of others. Don't be afraid to ask for help and don't hesitate in accepting the help of others.

Acknowledge your own feelings.
Having someone you know face cancer is very emotional for them as well as for you. You may have many emotions that include feeling frightened, anxious, sad, lonely, helpless, uncertain and even angry. It is important to deal with your own feelings first so that you can offer the patient the best possible support. Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't. Caregivers may feel guilty or selfish about taking time for themselves, but understand that you may need this time. Some caregivers find it helpful to keep a journal where they can freely express their feelings.

Take good care of yourself.
Eat healthfully and try to get enough sleep and maintain a balance in your own life. Exercise. Keep up with your own medical needs including taking your own medications. Make time to relax. Whether it's exercising, reading, watching TV or even talking on the phone, do whatever helps you to reduce the stress. Recognize signs of caregiver 'burnout' including insomnia and exhaustion. There are many ways of coping. Do not worry about what other people think you should or shouldn't be doing.

Communicate.
Keep friends and family updated. If this is too difficult, select a 'point person' to help you. If you are offered help that you don't need or want, decline and thank them for their concern.

Caregivers and partners need support too.
No one is perfect, so try not to expect too much of yourself. Even the best caregivers cannot do it all. Reach out to those who can 'support the supporters.' Attend a support group specifically for partners and caregivers. SHARE offers specialized telephone and group support.

Lean on people who are willing to help and allow them to help. Giving some specific tasks to others lets you focus on those tasks that you feel you must personally take on. Remember, there isn't one way that works best. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for others. Continue to do what gives you support, comfort and even joy. When you feel overwhelmed, talk with someone you trust, such as a friend, doctor, member of your faith community or a counselor. You can also call SHARE's telephone support lines @ 866-891-2392.

More resources for partners and caregivers here!

The role of caregiver can be challenging and demanding, but it can also be a fulfilling and satisfying role. Please remember that you are special and extraordinary person to be a caregiver and that it is very much appreciated!

What Partners and Caregivers Can Do to Help

When someone we care about is diagnosed with cancer, we all want to help. But sometimes it's difficult to know what to do and how best to meet the needs of that person. Here are some suggestions:

Listen
Encourage and allow the patients to discuss their feelings. Consciously listen without judging. Listen with your heart and don't worry about what to say. Offering your shoulder to cry on is a great source of comfort. Let the patients express their feelings even if it is uncomfortable for you to hear. Sometimes what they need most is to have someone listen. Let them know that they are not alone.

When asking about help, be specific. Ask the patients what they like doing least during treatment, for instance, and offer to do that particular task or delegate it to someone else who can support you.

Organize
Keep track of appointments, medications, bills, and test reports. The patients will be relieved that you did.

Discuss questions that the patients may have prior to any medical appointments.

Accompany them to doctor appointments and take notes. Ask questions on their behalf if necessary. Sometimes they may be too emotionally upset to focus on medical information.

Be an advocate in all areas. Someone fighting cancer is often not in shape to fight bureaucracies or any one else.

Be a gatherer of information. Learn about the patients' particular types of cancer and treatment options so that you can engage in informed conversations.

Know contact info for their medical providers. Keep these numbers with you and at home. Know what medications and dosages the patients are taking. Keep this list with you at all times.

Support
Help them find support. No matter how much we can empathize, talking to someone who has gone through it or faced the same challenges can be invaluable. One-on-one conversations or support groups can be very helpful to cancer patients. SHARE provides these. More on support groups here!

Being together can also provide very significant support. Physical expressions such as hand holding, hugging and touching can be very comforting.

Humor and laughter are good medicine and feel 'normal,' but be sensitive to the times that the patients needs to express grief.

Respect their need to be alone. Don't take it personally; they may need time alone to reflect.

At difficult times, be a buffer between well meaning friends and family and the patient.

Prepare for the patients' hospital stay by going to the library or purchasing special reading material or CD's or any special items to make the patients feel more comfortable.

Offer
Don't wait to be asked for help. Offer help first and be specific. Do what you can.

Cook or clean
Drive to a doctor's appointment
Bring in a meal
Do laundry
Send a thoughtful and loving note
Pick up medications
Prepare and freeze snacks
Do grocery shopping or errands
Babysit or help children with homework
Walk dog
Help the patient get the best treatment
- Help secure a second opinion
- Research treatment options

Remember the four L's: listening, learning, loving and laughing!

Organizations for Caregivers and Partners

There are many worthwhile organizations for caregivers and partners that provide information, useful suggestions and links to other resources that caregivers and partners may find helpful.

SHARE

www.sharecancersupport.org

866-891-2362

SHARE offers telephone help lines for patients and their caregivers that answer any and all questions that you may have. These help lines are in English and Spanish, with 10 other languages available. They are staffed seven days/evenings a week. For a more personalized experience, SHARE can match you with a peer who has had a similar diagnosis or treatment.

SHARE has support groups at its office in Times Square and in communities throughout New York City. There are separate support groups for caregivers and partners.

SHARE has a wonderful website where, in addition to information on programs and links to other useful sites, there are candid blogs from survivors. There is also a blog aimed at helping friends and family because cancer is often very hard on them as well.

We invite you to sign up for a monthly email newsletter that is supportive as well as informative. All of SHARE's programs and services are completely free of charge.

SHARE works to support people affected by breast or ovarian cancer through empowerment, education and advocacy to bring about better health care, an improved quality of life and a cure for these diseases.

No patient or caregiver should have to go through these serious illnesses alone. Please remember that we at SHARE are always here for you if you should need us!

Other organizations:

American Cancer Society
www.cancer.org
800-227-2345

CancerCare
www.cancercare.org
800-813-4673

National Family Caregivers Association
www.nfcacares.org
800-896-3650

Cleaning for a Reason
www.cleaningforareason.org
877-337-3348

National LGBT Cancer Network
www.cancer-network.org
212-675-2633

Gilda's Club
www.gildasclub.org
888-445-3248

clear!