Part II - Body Grief: Losing parts of ourselves and our identity before, during and after cancer treatment

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:18:18
Unknown
Welcome to part two of our grief series, Body Grief Losing Parts of Ourselves and Our Identity before, during and after cancer Treatment. I'm Maggie Nicholas Alexander, the senior director of Gynecologic Cancer Patient Support and Education at Share.

00:00:18:18 - 00:00:42:08
Unknown
Hello, everyone. I'm Kristie and Maggie. Thank you so much. In Victoria, who is behind the scenes doing a lot of work to make this happen. Hopefully some of you were here for the first part of the series, but if you weren't, there might be some new things for you and for those who were there the first time around.

00:00:42:08 - 00:01:12:08
Unknown
There might be a mention of some things because this is a three part grief series and trying to make sure that there is some continuity across the three sessions. So I'm a licensed clinical social worker. What that means is I have a master's degree in social work. I did all of the training and exam taking necessary to make me a licensed clinical social worker and I'm certified in oncology.

00:01:12:10 - 00:01:39:22
Unknown
So basically, what's that? What does that mean? I do a lot of training and working with people and people connected to people that are dealing with cancer. And I've been doing this about 15 years and right now I work in a local cancer center as the social worker, and I also have a private therapy practice where I mostly see women that are diagnosed with breast or gynecological cancers.

00:01:40:00 - 00:02:09:10
Unknown
I love teaching and education, whether that's to professionals, people dealing with cancer or people who love someone or care about someone with cancer. Cancer is near and dear to my heart for a variety of reasons, and I'm really grateful that I get to do this work and I really, really love what I do. So hopefully today's workshop will give you some new information, shed some insight, offer some healing, whatever that might be for you.

00:02:09:11 - 00:02:36:04
Unknown
But I always my hope is always that people walk away with something that can be helpful for them, even if it's just one thing. It may stick with you and it might help you out in a time of need. So I am going to share my screen and then I will be doing some questions, kind of question prompting that you can put in the chat for your answers.

00:02:36:06 - 00:03:00:08
Unknown
Maggie will be highlighting some things as we go along, but I do want this to be somewhat interactive and reflective for people, and I often try to make sure people walk away with tools and techniques that they can implement in their day to day life. So I'm going to share my screen and then we're going to jump into this.

00:03:00:10 - 00:03:40:03
Unknown
Here we go. Okay, So I'm just going to hide this. Okay. Oops. I'm already jumping ahead. Okay. So the title of this is Body Grief Losing Parts of Ourselves and Our Identity before, during and after cancer treatment. So I'm sure most of you who are on this may be a person that has had a diagnosis of cancer. But even if you're not, you know, when cancer is diagnosed, most it's really common for people to feel under attack and betrayed by their own body.

00:03:40:03 - 00:04:07:21
Unknown
Right. This is a really common thing that I hear people express, maybe not in those explicit words, but it comes in the frame of why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why didn't my body do what it was supposed to do to fend this off? There's a lot of questions and sometimes some real blame or shame or just kind of no answer as to why this has occurred.

00:04:07:23 - 00:04:34:01
Unknown
A lot of people end up feeling some level of distrust or maybe dissociation, which kind of feels like a separation from their own body. And obviously there's a multitude of losses that come along with a cancer diagnosis. And sometimes the people in your life might be very well-intended and loving, but say very insensitive things, which makes people often feel very isolated and lost in their grief.

00:04:34:03 - 00:05:11:23
Unknown
And I want to just acknowledge that grieving parts of the body, whether that's physical parts or personal body parts, identity parts, those often change as a result of cancer. And that requires people to be really, really vulnerable, to acknowledge that cancer has taken something away from you. And there is a lot of grief in that for people. But again, I think what happens for a lot of people is, you know, there's a lot of allocations and, you know, phrases people use that really minimize that grief.

00:05:12:01 - 00:05:51:18
Unknown
And then sometimes when people finish their treatment, maybe that's months, two years, you know, after finishing treatment, there may be a new version of grief that comes along of kind of not getting yourself back the way that maybe you thought you would or not, resuming certain activities or parts of yourself that you thought you might. So there's a lot of layers as to where grief might be hanging out and why it might be coming up and I don't think we can cover every single aspect of it in an hour, but I'm going to try to highlight quite a few that I think are the most kind of common ones for people.

00:05:51:20 - 00:06:18:02
Unknown
Okay, So the goal goal of this workshop is to provide you with a couple of different areas of information. One is knowledge on how body grief might be present in your life. Two is how we can create adaptable, emotional coping tools in order to face these losses and changes. And then the third one is activities that you might want to incorporate as you grieve the loss of your body parts and identity.

00:06:18:04 - 00:06:54:19
Unknown
And so these are the three goals I'll do the best I can to make sure that I meet them for you and hopefully they will be again informative and healing for you. So the one thing that I always like to do before I start a workshop and I realize I didn't do this last time is just to take a moment to just acknowledge that you're here and that you're here because something about grief resonates deeply for you, whether that's because it's your own grief or the grief that you hold that others may express to you.

00:06:54:20 - 00:07:20:10
Unknown
And I just want you to take a moment to acknowledge that and sit with that and recognize that feelings might come up during this workshop. And if they do, that's okay. If feelings don't come up during this workshop, that's okay. And feelings might come up at a later time. As a result of what you've heard and learned and read about from this workshop.

00:07:20:12 - 00:07:46:06
Unknown
So I just wanted to make space for that. Acknowledge moment and also commend all of you because grief is something that our society often stays away from because it's a vulnerable topic. So kudos to all 63 of us who are here today doing the work in order to acknowledge this part of your life. So I'm glad that all of you are here.

00:07:46:07 - 00:08:11:10
Unknown
Okay, so what is grief? It's kind of an umbrella term for most people. It means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. I don't necessarily think there is just one sole definition of what it is, so I'm going to offer kind of a variety of definitions that I think it could be. It could be the emotional response to losing something meaningful.

00:08:11:12 - 00:08:44:03
Unknown
It could be the loss of connection that defines us in the world. It might be related to conflicting feelings that contribute to an end or a change or a disruption of a pattern. Sometimes there's conflicting feelings around grief. People might feel sadness, they might feel relief, they might feel confusion, they might feel guilt. So grief can be complicated and complex.

00:08:44:05 - 00:09:19:04
Unknown
It's not always just as straightforward as sitting down, having a good cry and then like moving on with the day. That could be what grief looks like. But that's often one small part of what grief can look like and identity. Grief is something that I don't think is acknowledged enough, certainly in our culture, because identity, grief is more about the feeling for reaching out for that part of yourself, only to discover that it's not there and it might not be there today, it might not be there temporarily or it might not be there permanently.

00:09:19:06 - 00:09:53:14
Unknown
And that may mean a body part or a part of yourself, your personality, your identity, a role or responsibility that you have had for parts of your life. And then sometimes what comes along with grief is this idea of it comes in waves, right? And so sometimes it comes up at an expected times. Right. And sometimes it comes at unexpected times, but it often stays around for a little bit of time and then kind of slowly dissipates and passes and then kind of comes back again at some point.

00:09:53:16 - 00:10:17:09
Unknown
It's pretty rare that grief is something that you just sit down, you grieve, you get it done with, and then you move on. It's often not like that. It's more of this wave mentality of it comes in and comes out sometimes with really big waves and sometimes with just kind of tiny lapping of waves at the shore, but nonetheless, there's often a coming and going of grief that occurs for people.

00:10:17:11 - 00:10:51:06
Unknown
Sometimes what helps people identify if they're grieving is because they might have symptoms that are associated with grief, so they might feel sadness. There may be a yearning, there can be anxiety when there is grief present. Certainly confusion, obsession, guilt. Oftentimes anger is connected to grief. There may be a loss of focus, Having a hard time kind of concentrating, being present for things might look like sleep disruption for some people.

00:10:51:08 - 00:11:22:14
Unknown
And it could also be appetite changes. So some people might hear this and say this sounds like depression or anxiety, which sometimes grief is in conjunction with depression and anxiety. And sometimes it's not depression, though it is a little bit different. But there certainly are some, you know, carry over in terms of characteristics and traits. But the main difference between grief and depression is depression has an ongoing despair attached to it.

00:11:22:18 - 00:11:49:08
Unknown
There might be feelings of worthlessness in their hopelessness. There might be suicidal thoughts, or there might be thoughts that are very pervasive and very persistent. And no matter what you do or how you try to cope, they just won't go away. And so again, grief tends to be a little bit more like waves. Depression tends to be a little bit more like a storm that is just not passing.

00:11:49:10 - 00:12:16:08
Unknown
I would always recommend, if you're not sure which one it is, seek out mental health support to see if you can identify what it is, because depending on which one it is, they are treated differently from mental health professionals. Okay. So I want to talk about a couple areas of loss that can come along with identity loss. So we all know this.

00:12:16:08 - 00:12:59:01
Unknown
The general public hears about loss and grief is typically associated with a physical death of a human or of a mammal of some sort and animal. Right. But loss and grief are very much connected to the physical death of something. What they miss in the general public is that grief and loss might be related to a physical death, but often are related to a death in terms of identity, in terms of stability, in forms of, you know, not just physical identity, but identity as a worker, as a parent, as a caregiver, as a athlete.

00:12:59:02 - 00:13:38:10
Unknown
Right. Whatever those identities might be for people. But it's not just the physical death that, you know, society often says it is. And so when people are diagnosed with cancer, it's not just one area of grief and loss that comes up for people. It's lots of different areas that tend to be exacerbated with grief and loss. And so physical loss that might be related to stamina, that might be related to losing a body part or an organ, you know, as part of your cancer treatment or surgery, there may be an emotional loss.

00:13:38:10 - 00:14:09:00
Unknown
And that might mean just feeling a loss of safety within your own body or if you're a caregiver or you take care of people with cancer in some capacity. Sometimes that that fear and that safety of what if it happens to me too? Or maybe you have connected to someone with a gene mutation and there's the wondering if there's going to be a loss or preventative treatment for those losses, cognitive losses.

00:14:09:00 - 00:14:37:15
Unknown
You know, majority of people that have gone through cancer treatment, certainly chemotherapy especially, they sometimes have a hard time with word retrieval, memory. Right. Cognitive function can really change when someone is dealing with cancer. Cognitive function can also change as a caregiver or a loved one because stress impacts how people cognitively function their spiritual losses. I very often hear, you know, why did this happen to me?

00:14:37:15 - 00:15:11:03
Unknown
Is this a punishment? What does God higher power universe? What am I supposed to learn by this? Why is this happening to me? And so there's often a spiritual loss when it comes to questioning faith or wondering about if your belief system still fits for you after hearing that you have a cancer diagnosis or someone you love has a cancer diagnosis, and then the financial loss of cancer, which is a really common issue that is often very underreported in this field.

00:15:11:05 - 00:15:34:19
Unknown
That could mean job loss, which is part of identity for a lot of people. That might mean the threat of job loss, which is pretty stressful for most people. It might be the inability to perform certain work functions or work tasks that you used to do. And it obviously can mean just the cost of cancer, right? The co-payments, medications, right.

00:15:34:21 - 00:16:01:11
Unknown
There's lots and lots and lots of financial burden that comes along with cancer and that can shake up people's identity because it shakes up the bank account. And it certainly can be stressful for a lot of people. And all these five areas are attached to people's identities. Right. We don't think of identity just as you know. Well, I am Christy, but who is Christy and what are the parts of Christy?

00:16:01:13 - 00:16:29:03
Unknown
So identity is more than just a gender identity or a role in your family identity. It can mean a lot of different things. And so because grief doesn't just show up as sadness all the time, grief might be really present in your life, especially as it relates to one of these five areas. But it's possible that you're not even aware that that might be going on for you.

00:16:29:05 - 00:16:58:05
Unknown
And so I just want to give some examples and then I'd love to hear in the chat how people think maybe these losses and this loss of identity is showing up in these areas. So some examples might be avoiding mirrors might be just a sense of sadness when you see your body or an area of your body. It might be not letting people who you're physically intimate, intimate with see parts of your body.

00:16:58:07 - 00:17:25:20
Unknown
There might be a lot of anxiety around hair loss or hair regrowth. There might be a lot of frustration around how memory is possibly impaired. There might be anger at someone or something in your life, and you're just not quite sure why you feel so angry about it. And a very common one, which is like staying up late at night in bed worrying about the financial cost of cancer and how you're going to pay for things.

00:17:25:22 - 00:17:49:05
Unknown
And it might be the fact that you get really frustrated because you're conditioned and fatigued or exhausted, and that might be because you're a person with cancer or a caregiver to someone with cancer. So to kind of summarize everything I've just said, you know, the areas of loss as it relates to identity is just not feeling like you are yourself anymore.

00:17:49:10 - 00:18:13:21
Unknown
And that can be very un grounding, It can be very confusing and it can be very scary. And there is a lot of grief in that experience for people. So what I'm going to ask and offer now is if you'd like to put in the chat how you think any of these five areas maybe show up for you in terms of the grief you're experiencing?

00:18:13:23 - 00:18:50:22
Unknown
And again, it doesn't always just mean sadness. It can be anger, frustration, worry. And maybe there's one particular of these five areas that feel like, yeah, there is a lot of grief and loss in this particular area and not so much other ones. So yeah, please put it in the chat and I'm going to read along and highlight and see what what people are grieving right now.

00:18:51:00 - 00:19:31:13
Unknown
Yeah, grief is exhausting for sure. Yeah. Not feeling safe. I'm society about nutrition and eating. That's a very, very common one. Let's see. Feeling lethargic, feeling empty inside, losing weight, feeling frustrated that you can't be active. You know, that might mean, you know, just feeling very deep conditioned, frustrated with stamina and energy, having a hard time focusing at work.

00:19:31:15 - 00:19:56:17
Unknown
Yeah. Just feeling lost in all areas of life. Right. If like, maybe it is part of these five areas and maybe there are more areas than just these five areas. Yeah. Potentially having a shortened future and that loss concentration. Yeah. So it seems pretty obvious to me that all of you this is something that it really resonates, right?

00:19:56:17 - 00:20:19:12
Unknown
That there are these losses in all areas of life and they take a toll and they are exhausting. And there is a lot to contend with because on one hand what happens for a lot of people is they are told they have cancer and then they are told that they need to have treatment for this cancer. And that requires a lot of energy activity and coordination.

00:20:19:17 - 00:20:39:06
Unknown
And there's not always a lot of space to actually allow the grief to come up. So in a lot of work that I do with people and certainly why a lot of people seek me out as a therapist as they say, I just went through cancer treatment and I'm kind of coming up for air and processing what happened and like it's all a blur and I really need to make sense of it.

00:20:39:06 - 00:20:56:22
Unknown
And I haven't been able to grieve and I don't know who I am and what am I going to do going forward, right? Or for people that, you know, have advanced disease and are going to be off and on treatment for life? Right. How do I deal with this identity of a person who's always going to be having some type of cancer treatment in some way?

00:20:57:00 - 00:21:16:04
Unknown
So there are a lot of losses to the identity and there is a lot of grief. And as much as I don't want anyone to grieve because grieving is really exhausting and tiring and difficult and uncomfortable, it's also a very part of the human experience and is really important to do when you're dealing with an illness like this.

00:21:16:06 - 00:21:43:08
Unknown
So we're going to also do a little activity where people can maybe do a little writing and reflecting on this. And when there is a moment and there's a pause and you guys are doing something, I will definitely look in the chat and read. So I acknowledge what everyone has said. Okay. All right. So we're going to do a little exercise of reflection prompts.

00:21:43:08 - 00:22:02:13
Unknown
So I'm a big fan of being able to process emotions and experience voices through a variety of different means. You know, some people think like, journaling is the only way to get it out, or talking about it is the only way to get it out. But I like to think about it as there's a lot of different ways that people process information.

00:22:02:13 - 00:22:30:09
Unknown
And so there's a lot of different ways in which people can process grief. So, you know, I think what I had mentioned earlier of grief being more like a wave. So there's often a very kind of natural ebb and flow that comes along with the tide of the ocean and with life. Right? Trees grow on leaves and then the leaves die and the trees shed them.

00:22:30:11 - 00:22:52:07
Unknown
Animals might live in a shell or carry a shell somewhere, and then they outgrow them. And so they shed the shell and they move into a new shell. Can Caterpillars are obviously a great example. Butterflies, you know, caterpillars eventually morph into butterflies. Right. And so nature has a way of showing us that there is natural ebb and flow that come along with it.

00:22:52:07 - 00:23:16:16
Unknown
And that challenging weather happens in nature. And oftentimes nature can withstand it. But that doesn't always mean that those times are easy or, you know, manageable. They might be very, very difficult, but the human experience is very similar, right? There's a lot of times in life that hopefully things are kind of common content. And then there's a lot of times in life where things are very rocky and scary and upending and cancer.

00:23:16:16 - 00:23:43:01
Unknown
I think for most people is the latter. It is scary, upending and confusing for people. But we observe and we notice these transitions that happen in nature all the time. And we can also observe and see what's happening with us at the same time as human beings. And sometimes what happens and I'm sure many of you have experienced this to some degree is these transitions.

00:23:43:01 - 00:24:08:08
Unknown
And this grief often happens in isolation, right? I am the only one dealing with this. My family doesn't understand. My friends try to be loving and supportive, but they don't get it. And so you know what ends up happening? People feel very alone and people feel very separated and people feel very othered. And that's very, very difficult to deal with grief when you now have that layer on top of it.

00:24:08:10 - 00:24:33:07
Unknown
And we know that a lot of people might be very loving and very caring, but they might ask how you are and they're not always interested in the true answer to how you are, or you may not have the energy to answer it very truthfully on that day if you're having a really hard time. And so, you know, this grief is often disenfranchized grief, which is, you know, be positive, be happy that you're here and alive.

00:24:33:09 - 00:24:55:05
Unknown
Forget about the grief that you might be experiencing. And so what do people do, you know, when they feel isolated in their grief? Hopefully they recognize that there are places that they can connect, like coming on to a workshop like this or going to a support group or seeking out a one on one conversation with someone or talking to people in the waiting room at treatment.

00:24:55:07 - 00:25:23:15
Unknown
Or if you're a caregiver, right. Chatting with someone while your loved one's getting their treatment. And so there's a lot of different ways people can feel connected in this isolation of their grief that doesn't always have to look in the traditional sense of my spouse, my friend, my parent, my child. Right? It can it can come from unsuspecting places like a webinar or a wellness workshop or something that you practice spiritually.

00:25:23:17 - 00:25:58:11
Unknown
So when we're thinking about these five areas that I had mentioned earlier on the previous slide of the physical losses to the identity, the emotional losses, the cognitive losses, the spiritual losses and the financial losses, I want people to look at the questions and I will read them out loud as well, because I would love for people to maybe just give yourself a few minutes to reflect and then if you care to, you can certainly put an answer to one or two or all four of the questions in the chat if you would like to.

00:25:58:11 - 00:26:43:21
Unknown
But no, no pressure on that. So the questions are are what has been the hardest thing about losing Fill in the blank? What do you miss most about Fill in the Blank? How were you different now than you were before you lost? Fill in the blank. And what has helped you the most in your grief? So again, thinking about these five areas that we mentioned in the last slide physical, emotional, cognitive, spiritual, financial, you might want to pick one topic and apply that to one of the questions.

00:26:43:23 - 00:27:02:10
Unknown
If you want to pick a different area of loss and apply it to a different or use the same area for all questions, it's really up to you. But I'm going to give everyone a few minutes right now in order to do that. And then I'm going to see what people put in the chat and see see what comes out of that.

00:27:02:12 - 00:28:39:07
Unknown
So I'm just going to be quiet for a few minutes and you get to post or share if you'd like to. All right. So I'm just looking at the chat in regards to these questions. So I see someone wrote that they think about their mortality, right? And so maybe that means is what do you miss most about life?

00:28:39:07 - 00:29:13:22
Unknown
Before you had to think about that? Right. That's often, you know, people walk around obviously knowing cognitively that they will die someday. But it's very, very different when you're dealing with an illness that might be life limiting. And so the innocence of being able to walk around, to not think about that or not have that be at the forefront of your mind all the time, that's grief, that's grieving part of your identity, of the innocence that you had missing your professional self because you were forced to retire.

00:29:14:00 - 00:29:52:05
Unknown
That's very common. You know, depending on someone's diagnosis is they may have to retire or depending on their job, they may need to retire or file for disability benefits. And that's very difficult. And if you're a caregiver, that might be challenging. If it now is a change of income in a household and that might be related to the financial loss that comes up for people, let's see the fact that treatment will not end.

00:29:52:07 - 00:30:35:23
Unknown
Yeah, I'm curious if anyone would like to comment on what's been helpful for you in your grieving process. Is there anything that you find that helps you to cope with this grief and these losses? Maybe it's talking to a friend, maybe it's a ritual you engage in? Yeah, the false sense of security. Sue, that's a really beautiful sentiment, knowing I have the same amount of time just as everyone else.

00:30:35:23 - 00:31:13:11
Unknown
Just for today, I'm working with an energy healer. That's wonderful. Going to groups right? Being a part of an organization like Share can be really, really helpful. Yeah. So, you know, one of the take home that often helps people the most in their grief is connection. And that doesn't necessarily mean a connection with another physical person. It can be connection to nature or spirit or an animal or whatever that might be.

00:31:13:13 - 00:31:39:09
Unknown
But oftentimes grief is experienced in isolation for a lot of people culturally, though, when there is a physical death, it's often done in connection with other people. There's weeks and funerals and re passes and we do all sorts of things as a community. But when you're dealing with your own grief and maybe even disenfranchized grief, it often is done in isolation.

00:31:39:09 - 00:32:06:18
Unknown
So connecting to other people is a great way to help in the grieving process. Wonderful. Well, thank you for everyone that's writing so many wonderful ideas in the chat. And you know, please read along because there might be some posts that people put in there that really, really resonate for you. And you might want to connect to that person because part of the antidote to grief is connecting with others.

00:32:06:18 - 00:32:35:18
Unknown
So if there's something to know about someone wrote that you really resonate with, maybe you want to send them a little chat. Okay. And then go on to the next slide here. Okay. So for any of you who are in the first part of the grief series, you heard me talk about this around rituals for loss and grief, and I'm bringing it up again because I think it's really important in those who may be here On the first one.

00:32:35:20 - 00:33:04:09
Unknown
I want to make sure you get that information so. Grief often comes along with ritual. Again, when we think about it from a kind of cultural perspective of what happens when someone physically dies, there is often a lot of ritual, whether that relates to someone's culture or religion or spiritual practices. And so rituals are a sequence of activities.

00:33:04:11 - 00:33:34:19
Unknown
Usually they're symbolic in some form, and it would involve things like gestures or words, some type of action, or maybe having a special or revered item. And it might be related to a religious activity. Spiritual could be cultural, or it might be something nature based that you do as a ritual. And so when we're thinking about it, simple examples.

00:33:34:21 - 00:34:01:03
Unknown
Washing is a really common example in a lot of cultures and religions. When there is grief, again, I'm thinking about it from a physical dust perspective, but you can apply this to these types of grief. These grief, these grief, grieving grievances and losses. There's often a farewell ceremony, and I see I have a little typo in there and what is going to be in the chat in a minute.

00:34:01:03 - 00:34:30:10
Unknown
If someone can share, put it in. There is something called SPI paper, which I'm also going to highlight of how you can use a ritual around SPI paper which you can get off Amazon for a couple of dollars. So again, if we think about these five areas of losses, physical, emotional, cognitive, spiritual and financial, I want you to think about a ritual that you think would be helpful.

00:34:30:12 - 00:34:53:20
Unknown
Maybe you already practice it, maybe you'd like to incorporate it, maybe you've heard about it, but you just don't know much about it. In terms of a ritual that you would like to incorporate to help you in your grieving process. Notice that I'm not saying anything about not having your grief. What I'm offering is a ritual to honor and recognize your grief.

00:34:53:22 - 00:35:21:03
Unknown
And so maybe if it's something physical, it could be you want to recite a particular phrase, maybe a mantra, Maybe there's a specific prayer that you do while you're washing something, or there might be a farewell gratitude ceremony about that area of your life. Right. So it's graduation season right now. Lots of kids are graduating from all grades, colleges.

00:35:21:03 - 00:35:47:15
Unknown
Right. We recognize those moments of transition. And there is a lot of grief for a lot of people in those moments of transition, even though there's also maybe celebration. And so do you want to experience some type of farewell or gratitude ceremony around that area of your life that has changed? Maybe it means you have an item that represents that loss and that grief.

00:35:47:17 - 00:36:23:23
Unknown
And so I would love to hear from people. What types of rituals do you engage in that helps you honor and recognize your grief? Again, I think some people are already maybe been chatting about it, but if you would like to please put it in the chat and I'm going to tell you a little ritual about SPI paper.

00:36:24:01 - 00:37:12:01
Unknown
so the tool of visualization, which is fantastic, I love that the mantra Armor on prayers up. Let's go. I love it. It's straight into the point. This prayer in meditation, painting rocks with names or words that have special meaning and leaving them for others to find on hikes. That sounds lovely. Imagining your previous self love that being in the garden often very common, a common that nature can be very healing when it comes to grief.

00:37:12:03 - 00:37:30:07
Unknown
You know, the sun and the moon are very good examples of grief, right? The sun always comes up whether we can see it or not. It always goes back down and the moon always comes out. Right. And so there is a cyclical experience and that is a daily ritual that has to happen in order for the world to continue you on.

00:37:30:09 - 00:37:58:16
Unknown
And so even thinking about something cyclical that you can do morning and night might be very helpful for you. there we go. We've got someone who is a stargazer who likes to look at the moon in the stars. Yeah, Wonderful. Okay, So I mean, I give a little shout out to SPI paper. I have no connection to it.

00:37:58:16 - 00:38:33:00
Unknown
I don't gain any financial benefit from mentioning what my paper is. So SPI paper is you can order it off Amazon. The link is in the chat. It's very, very thin paper, but you can actually physically write on it and what happens is you can. The ritual that I've often done with people is you get a bowl of water, you get your SPI paper and you have a pen and you write down the things on the SPI paper that you are grieving that you may want to let go of.

00:38:33:02 - 00:38:55:17
Unknown
You might feel sad to let go of that parts of you that are transitioning, maybe it relates to those five areas of loss that that was mentioned and you write it down on the paper, maybe it's a word, maybe it's a sentence, a phrase, maybe you fill up the entire little square paper and then you take a moment to acknowledge that you're right.

00:38:55:17 - 00:39:15:04
Unknown
You've written down and you've documented the parts of you that are feeling that grief and that loss. And then you put it in the water and you watch it dissolve. Sometimes people like swirl their hand around in the water to kind of watch it break up, but eventually it dissolves and it just becomes a part of the water.

00:39:15:06 - 00:39:52:14
Unknown
And so what I've also seen happen is the paper dissolves and the ink and the words from the ink rise to the top of the water, which is a pretty interesting thing to see happen. So the part of that ritual is this letting go process is the dissolution process is the process of watching it occur in front of you, because so often these losses, some of them might be very physically obvious and you can physically maybe see or physically touch the changes, but a lot of them are swimming around in their brain and are taking up a lot of space.

00:39:52:14 - 00:40:12:21
Unknown
And so there can be something very healing about putting it down on paper, putting it in the water and letting go and acknowledging the grief that's there. And that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to feel relief and joy and passion right after that. The grief may linger, but it's one form of ritual that people can be a part of.

00:40:13:02 - 00:40:35:11
Unknown
It's certainly a ritual you can do on your own. It doesn't require much at all. It's really a bowl, water, a pen and despite paper or you might want to do it a collective group with a bunch of people. And that might be very healing to do it, you know, in community. But it's a ritual. It's one of my favorites and it's easy, it's cheap, it's accessible.

00:40:35:13 - 00:41:11:03
Unknown
And so I love to offer that up as a as a ritual in order to help process and acknowledge grief. Okay. So here's the great thing. So people have been talking about their garden and nature. So I wanted to offer this as a little group experience that people might want to think about and engage them. So what we know about gardening in the great outdoors is it very often has a very therapeutic effect for most people when they're dealing with grief and loss.

00:41:11:05 - 00:41:39:07
Unknown
That be walking around outside or sitting on a bench somewhere. That might mean the process of planting something, watering something, watching something grow, feeling different types of textures in nature. But it's a very powerful tool that most people have access to. Again, you don't have to like, you know, live in the wilderness or have a park on, have a beautiful apartment on Central Park.

00:41:39:09 - 00:42:01:16
Unknown
You can cultivate it maybe inside your environment through plants and flowers, and it might be something that you can do outside by getting in the dirt or sitting on a park bench. And so I'm going to bring it up as from kind of a houseplant perspective, I'm a city dwellers, so I do not have a yard that I can go into in garden, but I do have plants and I have herbs.

00:42:01:20 - 00:42:20:16
Unknown
And if you have allergies or you're not a fan, maybe you can get some fake ones. But I find them and I think other people for the most part, find them to be very calming and it makes people feel comfort and connection to nature. You can also just actually improve air quality for a lot of people, which is important.

00:42:20:18 - 00:42:47:19
Unknown
But plants also serve as this living reminder that life continues on despite losses. Right? When a plant loses its flower or, you know, a part of the leaf falls off, I don't think it sits there and, you know, contemplates it in any major way. It it sees if regrowth is possible or it finds a way around it. Or maybe it does sit for a moment and say, Man, I really love that leaf.

00:42:47:19 - 00:43:06:14
Unknown
And I'm certain I'm sad that I had to get it dropped right. But there is this cyclical experience in nature of things, regrowing things, renewing it doesn't always mean it will look the same. And so taking care of a plant or a garden can be very therapeutic for people. You have to make sure, Did it get enough sunlight?

00:43:06:14 - 00:43:38:18
Unknown
Did it get enough water, making sure that it's in a place where you can see it regularly and maybe feel some joy when you see it? And there's actually a lot of interesting parallels between gardening and plants and grief. So succulents, that's not where I excel. I excel in a lot of other areas of plants and gardening and succulents is not one of them, but succulents usually require very minimal upkeep and they're a great living reminder of resilience because they don't need a whole lot in order to survive.

00:43:38:20 - 00:44:02:03
Unknown
But at the same time they need a very specific type of TLC in order to survive Bonsai trees, which culturally have been used for very, very, very, very many years. And they symbolize balance and harmony. And those can be very comforting to keep around a home. There's peace lilies. Those are often bring people a sense of calmness, especially if they're feeling distressed.

00:44:02:05 - 00:44:27:17
Unknown
And then aloe vera plants, they help purify the air and they're known to relieve anxiety. And so, again, if you're not a plant person, maybe you buy some fake plants or maybe you close the windows and you look outside into nature. If that's what's going on for you, especially because allergies are very strong right now. But I want people to think about this idea of like tending to your garden, the garden of you.

00:44:27:19 - 00:45:22:00
Unknown
Right. And so I just wanted to offer a little visual exercise for people. It's only going to be about 2 minutes. And then we're going to get to questions and answers because we only have about 12 minutes left. So I just want to offer a little visualization and you want to look at the screen, if you'd like to, at one of the plants or flowers or maybe you want to imagine just in your mind, or maybe you just want to listen in to see if you can hear anything right now as it relates to nature in your environment, in this idea of gardening, you would like people to imagine that you're in a garden.

00:45:22:02 - 00:45:59:16
Unknown
Maybe there's some beautiful flowers around or some greenery. Maybe there's a waterfall somewhere imagining yourself taking in the environment, knowing that it wasn't overnight, that all of these things flourished and grew, that there have been many iterations of things dyeing and renewing that growth can happen. And it doesn't have to be a tree that grows ten feet high.

00:45:59:18 - 00:46:42:05
Unknown
It might be a small but of a plant, and that might be growth. And recognizing that nature changes all of the time, it has moments of calmness and contentment. It has moments of shedding itself. It has moments of struggle and growth, but it doesn't stop. It keeps showing up. It shows up for whatever comes in its path. It shows up even on the really cold, scary days, on the windy days, on the rainy days.

00:46:42:07 - 00:47:36:07
Unknown
And the sun is too bright for it days it keeps showing up and it keeps doing the work and it takes its time for rest and rejuvenation so that it can also have times of growth and renewal. So as you look around in that garden that you've imagined, realizing that you too have all the same capabilities and have all the same experiences as that garden does, just allowing yourself to recognize that, okay, so we're going to just get to discussion and questions.

00:47:36:09 - 00:48:03:13
Unknown
If people have questions, you're certainly more than welcome to put them in the chat. I also know that Maggie might jump back on screen right now and maybe share any questions that maybe people had submitted at some point in time. So I'm going to stop my little screen share and we can chat. Right. Thank you, Kristie. And thank you For every one with all that you've shared in the chat, there's a lot of great resources in there.

00:48:03:15 - 00:48:33:13
Unknown
And so, yeah, we're going to get started with the Q&A. So we do have a lot of pre submitted questions from registration. And I'm also sure we'll get some questions like we will do our best to get through as many as possible in our remaining time. So there are were several questions submitted in advance, particularly around mastectomy and dealing with the grief of that loss.

00:48:33:14 - 00:49:09:18
Unknown
So I want to tackle some of those and in particular, how to deal with feeling sexually inadequate after a mastectomy and then also like convincing this person a question about convincing themselves that dating after breast cancer and a mastectomy as possible. Okay. these are wonderful questions as well. First, I want to say that I think a lot of people that have dealt with cancer and have had body parts removed externally or internally or scarring from those types of procedures, feel that experience of this.

00:49:09:18 - 00:49:40:06
Unknown
Like, how would I date? How will people like me? Will I be attractive? I can tell you from personal experience, I've actually dated quite a few people with cancer and it's, you know, yeah, I happen to be an oncologist, you workers. So I happened to maybe have a little bit of a different take on things. But, you know, it's, it's, it's something that there are a lot of people out there where that is not something that would deter them from loving and caring about somebody.

00:49:40:08 - 00:50:10:03
Unknown
With that being said, it's obviously a scary, vulnerable thing to go out into this world and share that information for people. So I think, you know, you definitely don't have to put it out there immediately if you don't want to. I think as in all dating experiences, you know, starting slow and getting to know someone and kind of gauging if they seem like a warm, empathetic accept ing loving human on this planet that might be a safe person to share that with.

00:50:10:05 - 00:50:31:19
Unknown
But I can tell you that me personally and a lot of people that I know have deeply loved people with cancer, you know, after they've been diagnosed. And so I don't want you to think that it's impossible because it's not. But I also think that, yeah, Are some people going to be insensitive to it? Yes. That there is just a reality of.

00:50:31:19 - 00:51:05:05
Unknown
Yes. That that you might come across that. But I also think that being mindful of looking for people who are highly empathic, loving, understanding, and maybe they've even had someone in their life that has dealt with cancer, that might be someone that really understands it and can provide love and support. Going back to the first question around mastectomy and how that can affect someone's body, you know, I've heard people really engage in a lot of ritual around their body, right?

00:51:05:05 - 00:51:40:10
Unknown
And so for some people, washing and having a mantra is a very common thing for some people, it's reconstruction. For some people, it's getting a prosthetic. It's not for everybody. Right. But there's different ways in which I think you can engage in a ritual activity that can help people process those emotions. I also know that it's a very loaded area of feelings for most people because for a lot of people it's related to identity, it's related to sexuality, it's related to fashion, it's related to a lot of areas of life.

00:51:40:10 - 00:52:03:14
Unknown
And so I would encourage, in addition to rituals, getting support from people who also have experienced this and maybe getting support from professionals who can help you process that grief in real time. But it is a big loss and it is an area that has a lot attached to it. I could probably do an entire one hour webinar on just that question.

00:52:03:16 - 00:52:32:10
Unknown
sure you could. And I just want to highlight there's some really nice comments in the chat about people in their relationships and how they, you know, just how it doesn't. People will still love you or there's ways to get through it. And then I also want to touch on grief around, you know, early onset menopause and also oral and the loss of fertility.

00:52:32:12 - 00:53:22:10
Unknown
Yes. Yes. So, again, I think these are gigantic topics. You know, being put into menopause or having an early menopause as it relates to cancer is incredibly disruptive for most people, not just emotionally but physiologically. And how to manage the hormone change that often comes along with it is very, very difficult. And so I think if you have the chance and the opportunity talking to your providers about how these changes are affecting you is really really important because in some cases there are some things that can be done that are I don't want to say easy solutions, but, you know, small interventions that might help dramatically.

00:53:22:12 - 00:53:46:18
Unknown
There's also something that I would I often recommend to a lot of people that I work with. And there is a an organization called ACE Act. It's a s e c t dot org. it stands for like the American Association of Sexuality Health Educators and something along those lines. It's a very long it's a very long title.

00:53:46:20 - 00:54:11:16
Unknown
But there are sexual health educators, there are professionals, doctors, providers. There's a lot of great information on that website because I do think there are ways that it can be managed physically and emotionally. But obviously, again, it comes along with a lot of grief in terms of identity, body part loss, fertility, right. And yes, same thing with fertility.

00:54:11:16 - 00:54:37:05
Unknown
We live in a culture that very much values women being fertile, whether we want that to be or true or not. There is a very big thing in our culture about that. In a lot of cultures, that's a big focus. And so being able to acknowledge that grief again, participating in rituals around that grief, I think that's something that requires a lot of TLC.

00:54:37:07 - 00:55:05:01
Unknown
Fertility is a very, very big area, has a lot of feelings and identity attached to it and often has a partner or partners attached to it. And so it is a big area of grief. And so I wish I could say I knew like one simple algorithm to follow in order to be able to process your grief. But it's often a big haul and it's like a big backpack of stuff that you have to kind of go through piece by piece, because these are big areas of grief for people.

00:55:05:02 - 00:55:34:22
Unknown
But I can also tell you that there are great resources and support out there, especially for young people that are going through these things. And there's also a lot of professional support you can get that can help you make this more manageable for yourself. Great. Thank you for that. And then we have a question about just like, how do you accept the physical limitations that may occur, whatever those may be?

00:55:35:00 - 00:56:02:10
Unknown
Yeah. So I don't think you can force acceptance before you are there. Right. And everyone would love to just get to the acceptance part of things. But I think there's a lot of awareness that comes along with having to recognize the changes that are going on. Then there's usually a part of time where there's grieving of you know, accepting what's really happening before you can kind of get to the action of what to do about it.

00:56:02:12 - 00:56:27:12
Unknown
This is where I think physical therapy can be very helpful. Occupational therapy can helpful. There are trainers at gyms that specialize in cancer. There are lots of YouTube resources out there in terms of physical stamina and activity. But my take home message would be start small goals, right? And recognize that progress is not going to always be going up.

00:56:27:14 - 00:56:50:01
Unknown
It's more of the wave experiences. There's going to be days where you can see that you have more energy and stamina and there's going to be days where you can't. And can you accept that by being gentle and loving with yourself through whatever day that might be for you? Again, huge area of grief. Our society very much loves to overwork and overdue produce.

00:56:50:01 - 00:57:16:05
Unknown
And so it's very counterintuitive to the culture that we live in. But I do think it does require some TLC, maybe from a physical support standpoint, but also certainly from the emotional acceptance and grief and going slow in in all these areas go slow with this grief. It's a lot to lot to process. Right. And we're at time.

00:57:16:05 - 00:57:47:18
Unknown
But I do want to address in the chat we're getting so counterpoints of people who are have had relationships or their partners weren't supportive of those changes. And I and I think just maybe if you could touch on some advice for for dealing with that, it's so there's that other layer of grief right of not only may you be experiencing the grief of how you have changed as a person, how your body has changed, but also how there has been a lot of relationship changes that happen in life and life.

00:57:47:20 - 00:58:19:22
Unknown
And that does happen. I wish it didn't, but that does happen. And that might be from a spouse a partner, a family member, a friend. There are gigantic losses that often occur in relationships when there is cancer present, whether you're the person with cancer or maybe the caregiver to someone with cancer. And so I think, again, I go back to like finding the people that get it, and those are the people who can usually give the support and help you heal through those losses.

00:58:20:00 - 00:58:41:17
Unknown
But I do also think that there are a lot of loving, wonderful people out there in the world who can give that love and support. And unfortunately, cancer is a disease for a lot of people. That's very triggering, very stressful, very overwhelming whether it's because of what's going on or what's happened in their life previously. But I do believe that there are ways to find out support.

00:58:41:17 - 00:59:06:20
Unknown
And, you know, right now you're in a room of 55 people who, you know, who do get it and who are here to support you. So I do think it's out there, but it might not look the way you thought it would and it might not be from the people that you hoped it would be from. Great. Well, thank you so much, Christy, for your thoughtful and thorough presentation and answers to these questions.

00:59:06:22 - 00:59:32:22
Unknown
And thank you, everyone, for all of your comments in the chat and all of the great questions you submitted. We'll have the reporting of this program available on our website in about 1 to 2 weeks, and it will also be emailed out to all registrants. And I'm putting a link in the chat to part three of this series in case you want to register for that.

00:59:33:00 - 01:00:00:17
Unknown
So please make sure to check out Cher's website for upcoming educational programs, podcasts, episodes and support groups. And don't forget to follow us on social media as well. We also ask that you please take a moment to complete the survey. At the end of the webinar, the survey will pop up in the browser when the webinar ends, and a link will also be sent in a follow up email.

01:00:00:22 - 01:00:19:16
Unknown
All surveys are anonymous and we really use your feedback to inform and improve our programing. So please take that. And that concludes today's webinar. Thank you again, Christy, and I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.