Part I – Anticipatory Grief: Experiencing grief before the loss has happened

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Unknown
Hello. Welcome. Welcome.

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Unknown
Just going to give it a another few seconds. Welcome. Let people come in. Please feel free to join us in the chat and let us know where you’re coming from today. Can we give it another few moments here? Welcome.

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Unknown
Lou. Hello. California may be on.

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Unknown
Now, forget everyone in the chat. Make sure that you select everyone in the two so everyone can see where you’re coming from. Tom Garland, Missouri, hello. Great. Florida, Florida, Texas, Colorado. Come to Wow. Corpus Christi, Indiana. That’s fantastic, y’all. Well, look, let’s go ahead and get this started. All right. So welcome to part one of our Grief series.

00:01:22:22 – 00:01:51:00
Unknown
This one is called Anticipatory Grief, Experiencing Grief before the loss has Happened. I’m Megan Claire Chase, and I am Shares Breast cancer program director and the host of our Busy Life podcast. Plus, I’m also a seven year invasive lobular breast cancer survivor. Now, before this presentation begins, I would like to tell you a little bit about share for those of you who are.

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Unknown
We’re a national nonprofit that supports, educates and empowers anyone diagnosed with breast or gynecologic cancers and provides outreach to the general public about signs and symptoms. Because no one should have to face breast, ovarian, uterine, cervical or metastatic breast cancer alone. For more information about upcoming webinars, support groups, podcast and our helplines, please visit our website at Share Cancer Support dot org.

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Unknown
Now we have a few housekeeping reminders for you, so all participants will be muted during the positive action. The chat is enabled as you see, so feel free to write comments and engage with each other. Make sure though that in the two section that you select everyone when using the chat so we can all see what you have to say and engage with you.

00:02:51:04 – 00:03:20:01
Unknown
All participants will be muted during the presentation. So once our fabulous speaker Christy finishes presenting, we’ll begin the Q&A discussion. So those free to ask any questions through the Q&A section at the bottom of your screen. And remember that Christy is unable to get specific medical advice so please keep your questions general in nature. We also have closed captioning available.

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Unknown
You can enable this feature by clicking the live transcript button on the bottom of the screen and selecting the subtitle option. This webinar is being recorded and we’ll share the recording in a few weeks with all of the registrants and it’ll also be added to our website. So now I would love to have our fabulous speaker Christy introduce herself and get into it.

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Unknown
So, Christy, the screen is yours. Thank you so much, Megan. Claire And just a big thank you to share as an organization. I love working with you all and it’s an amazing organization doing so much good work out in the world. And I’m very grateful that I get to be here today talking with all of you. And I really hope you know that some part of this workshop is impactful and meaningful for you if for any reason it’s not.

00:04:18:04 – 00:04:43:17
Unknown
That’s also okay. It might just be educational or pique your interest in some in some manner. So I’m really glad to be here and I really hope what I offer today is, like I said, is meaningful and hopefully contributes to some aspect of your healing. I will introduce myself very quickly and then we will jump right into what we are all here for.

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Unknown
So I’ve been a licensed clinical social worker specializing in oncology for about 15 years. I primarily work with people diagnosed with breast cancer and or gynecological cancers. I work part time in a cancer clinic as an oncology social worker, and then I am also a therapist who I primarily work with people who identify as women who have a cancer diagnosis.

00:05:11:11 – 00:05:48:08
Unknown
I’m very passionate about the holistic healing aspect that can exist in this world, and I believe that grief especially is an area that is often overlooked or kind of twisted into this positivity spin. And I really think honoring grief is a really, really important aspect of healing. So again, I hope this is helpful and I really look forward to hearing your questions, you know, so please put them in the chat and we can definitely discuss them towards the end of the presentation.

00:05:48:10 – 00:06:36:01
Unknown
So I’m going to go ahead and share my screen, which has my slides, and then we’re going to get right to it. So just bear with me a moment. All right. So this three part grief series, this is the first part of it. And this part is about anticipatory grief. So experiencing grief before the loss has happened. The plan, you know, for today in this workshop is that there’s three things I’m hoping to accomplish with all of you.

00:06:36:03 – 00:06:59:06
Unknown
One is to identify some of the examples in which anticipatory grief may be showing up for you in your life. Learning about some healthy, emotional coping tools to deal with the anticipatory grief. And then the third thing is engaging in some rituals that you might want to incorporate in order to honor your grief. I’m a big fan of rituals.

00:06:59:06 – 00:07:29:15
Unknown
I think they’re really, really powerful. So we are going to be doing some question and answers. You guys will be writing some things down and, you know, maybe grabbing some items from around your environment. So these, you know, be ready to participate because hopefully that’s going to be one way you you get something out of this. So again, you are more than welcome to put your questions in the chat and I will get to them towards the end of the workshop.

00:07:29:17 – 00:07:59:16
Unknown
All right. Well, and now if I can get my slide to go. Here we go. Okay, so what actually is anticipatory grief? It can be described in a few different ways. One way is it’s the emotional experience of feeling connected to some type of impending loss that, you know, will be occurring at some point. That could be in the short term, meaning days or weeks, that could be in the long term meaning months to years.

00:07:59:16 – 00:08:24:19
Unknown
But it is the emotional experience of knowing that a loss will occur. It’s typically a slower grieving process, meaning it’s not an acute immediate I have a lot of grief and then it eventually fades. It’s a kind of start and stop, touch and go up and down. Rollercoaster experience of kind of slow trickles of grief kind of coming in.

00:08:24:21 – 00:08:55:00
Unknown
And although most people would attach grief to death in terms of a physical death, that is just one area in which grief can show up and that loss can occur. But there can be many what I would call, quote, small deaths or non physical deaths that can occur over time that would contribute to the slow grieving process. It may be intermittent meaning kind of touch and go here and there, stuff might pop up.

00:08:55:02 – 00:09:27:01
Unknown
It could be kind of small grief and it could be just kind of large moments of grief that then pass and often, if not always, grief is connected to the sadness around the future not being what you had hoped or planned. It would be. And that might mean not living as long of a life as you anticipated or your loved one, not living a long of a life as you anticipated it could be around losing a body part.

00:09:27:02 – 00:10:00:12
Unknown
It could be around a future you anticipated having with a particular person in your life or fulfilling a particular dream that you wanted to fulfill one day in terms of school or family or travel. And so this grieving process is about what you are grieving for your future, which, again, in our culture, especially in America, this is grief that’s not necessarily very recognizable or even really acknowledged in our culture.

00:10:00:14 – 00:10:36:05
Unknown
So certainly in the world of cancer, we know that upcoming surgeries often usually accompany some anticipatory grief in terms of how your body may change, how your identity may change as a result of this surgery. Hair loss is a really common one. I know we live in a culture that’s just like, don’t worry, hair grows back. But really what that does is that minimizes and disenfranchizes people’s grief around what it’s like to no longer have a part of your body, a part of your identity, maybe part of your femininity for some people.

00:10:36:07 – 00:11:01:11
Unknown
And so feeling grief around hair loss and impending hair loss is a very real type of grief. And then, you know, caregiving for someone with an advanced disease, whether that means you’re a family member, a friend, a professional, a volunteer, right. Taking care of other people that are dealing with a serious illness has its own set of anticipates very grief.

00:11:01:11 – 00:11:26:11
Unknown
And that does not necessarily have to relate to whether or not they are going to be dying from this disease. It may be the losses, changes, roles that are different that can be involved in the anticipatory grief. One thing I also want to mentioned about anticipatory grief is that it’s it falls under what I would consider a term called disenfranchized grief.

00:11:26:11 – 00:11:53:23
Unknown
And this is grief that’s not necessarily recognized or honored by people that may not actually be experiencing the anticipatory grief. And so in our culture, what I think it often looks like is people taking grief and trying to put a positive spin on it. Right. Of like, well, look, you got all this time with that person or, well, you know, they’re in their eighties.

00:11:53:23 – 00:12:21:19
Unknown
And so, you know, this is a part of the life cycle or well, they will no longer be suffering some day in somehow, some way. It seems as if this grief doesn’t count, that you’re not allowed to be sad about it. They’re still here with you or you still have this or your treatment still working. There’s like this spin that somehow the grief you feel is somehow unacceptable and not recognizable.

00:12:21:21 – 00:13:00:09
Unknown
So I want this workshop to reinforce to you that we do recognize your anticipatory grief. We do recognize that it’s an area that is often very disenfranchized and we want to make space to make sure, you know, you can grieve what you have not already necessarily lost, but may be losing in your future. So if people would be willing to put in the chat, I would say, although let me go back to my slide show because Megan Clare will tell me if there’s anything in the chat that people would like to share about.

00:13:00:11 – 00:13:26:22
Unknown
What are your examples of anticipatory grief that might mean? What drew you to this workshop today? I was sharing with Megan Clare before this workshop started. I have a sick animal that has a terminal illness and so I’ve been going through a lot of anticipatory grief around around her illness. So even though I’m teaching this workshop, I certainly understand it in a different capacity of what this is like.

00:13:27:00 – 00:13:46:18
Unknown
So if anyone would like to share what might be going on for them, just very briefly about what’s what’s an example of your anticipatory grief right now?

00:13:46:20 – 00:14:19:14
Unknown
All right. I see some stuff coming in, the unknown of how much of a future there is left. Yeah, someone significant other with Alzheimer’s. graduations. You know, that’s a big one. People moving on to another phase of their life and you’re not sure if you’re going to be a part of that or see that hair loss not fulfilling dreams.

00:14:19:16 – 00:14:52:21
Unknown
Yeah, maybe not ever fulfilling a role in a particular ritual, like being or being there for a wedding, not being able to have a role as a grandparent. But loss of employment and purpose is a big one. You know, employment especially especially, you know, I think for a lot of people, maybe employment gives money, but employment gives structure, it gives purpose, it gives collaboration to no longer have those things as available can be very difficult for people.

00:14:52:23 – 00:15:38:05
Unknown
Yeah, the very real physical stuff that goes on with cancer, the pain, maybe not being able to physically move in ways that you used to move or eat, the things you used to do or drive and function the way that you used to drive. Yeah. So yes, I mean, all of you are definitely experiencing anticipatory grief. Some of those things have actually come to fruition, or maybe some of these things are kind of very slowly happening and the anticipation of what will be the next phase of this in terms of what may be taken away, what I may no longer have access to, what I may never get to is where the anticipatory grief is.

00:15:38:07 – 00:15:58:16
Unknown
So thank you for sharing very openly about what’s going on for each of you. And again, hopefully through some of the exercises here, you can, you know, recall what you put in the chat and maybe have some some healing or at least the maybe starting process of some healing.

00:15:58:18 – 00:16:28:22
Unknown
Okay. So with that in mind, with what people were sharing about, I wanted to get right down to the nuts and bolts of this and start teaching some some coping skills and some tools so therapeutic writing. So some people think therapeutic writing is just maybe like writing some notes and a notebook. And although that’s not totally untrue, it’s not necessarily like the full definition of therapeutic writing.

00:16:29:00 – 00:17:08:19
Unknown
So therapeutic writing is much more of a direction based style of writing as opposed to kind of like a free form journaling or just kind of like a, you know, stream of consciousness thoughts. This is much more directive. It focuses on thinking about interacting with, analyzing events, analyzing thoughts, feelings that you might write down in this process. So there is a level of consciousness to it that really exists, and it’s a tool that can help people take some action that starts the letting go process.

00:17:08:20 – 00:17:32:21
Unknown
Notice I said start because this is not necessarily, you know, you do this and then all of it just goes away. But it might start the process of the healing, of the letting go and acknowledging of the grief and what therapeutic writing often ends up providing to people is it gives people a sense of control over their observations.

00:17:32:23 – 00:18:00:18
Unknown
It allows people to document things in real time, and it allows people a way to process information. So some people process by verbally speaking about things. Some people process by writing things down, some people process by an artistic measure such as painting, right? So everyone processes information differently. This is just one potential tool that you could use to help in your coping process.

00:18:00:20 – 00:18:30:21
Unknown
So this little writing, this little therapeutic writing technique is what I call the 3 to 1 writing technique. So it identifies three things that are heavy on your mind or heart, two ways you can cultivate some gentleness around this. And then one thing you think you might learn about yourself through this grieving experience. Now, nothing in this says you have to be positive.

00:18:30:23 – 00:19:04:15
Unknown
Nothing in this says you have to resolve your grief. It’s just small ways in which you can introduce opening up to get closer to that grief and therefore may be able to process it and help in its healing experience. So what I would love to do is have people take a few minutes to do this therapeutic writing exercise and you are all going to hear what Megan Clare has to say about it as she’s going to demonstrate for everyone.

00:19:04:15 – 00:19:33:15
Unknown
But I’m going to give everyone about 5 minutes, maybe a little less will see. But I want you to just take a few minutes to to ponder this, to contemplate it, to think about it, but most importantly, to feel it right, to actually feel it, not just in the mind in terms of like understanding what I’m saying, but also in your heart, where grief typically hangs out in resides.

00:19:33:15 – 00:19:59:05
Unknown
It’s more of a heart thing than it is a head thing. So it just invitation again, if you don’t feel up for it, that’s perfectly okay. But this is an invitation for you to explore what this grief is for you. You might want to use some of the examples you shared in the chat, or maybe it’s something else that’s just kind of popped into your consciousness that you weren’t even really thinking about at the time.

00:19:59:07 – 00:23:51:06
Unknown
So again, the exercise is writing down three things that are heavy on your mind or your heart. Two ways you can cultivate some gentleness around this, and then one thing that you might learn through your grieving, and if you’re still writing to seeing if you can, you know, finalize some of what you’re writing because we’ll get into sharing in a minute or so.

00:23:51:08 – 00:24:24:21
Unknown
Okay. So Megan Clare, if you’re still willing to be my gracious participant, I would love it if you’d be willing to share what you wrote about. Sure. So I have I have been in the throes of anticipatory grief with my cat, Nathan Edgar, but he was more than a cat. He was my child. My cancer took my ability to have human children.

00:24:24:23 – 00:25:02:23
Unknown
And and so the the few months leading up to ultimately having to put him to sleep for ever, let’s say forever, and I would freak out every time I needed to go grocery store whenever something like what if it happens and I’m not there? And so what’s weighing on me right now is like the the loneliness or the there’s a fear of who will take care of me because I I’m alone.

00:25:03:01 – 00:25:46:15
Unknown
And I did not realize just how many daily routines we had because he was very much a big personality like his momma and that that’s been a struggle and that had been like weighing on me. I was anticipating these feelings, but I did not realize how intense they would be. And then the two ways that I’ve worked to cultivate gentleness with myself is I do have an alter a little picture of him.

00:25:46:15 – 00:26:20:03
Unknown
I have his answers. Nathan Edgar and I have like certain pictures of us and then just of him that we’re just like my favorites that make me chuckle. And I mean, I have been falling down the rabbit hole of watching videos, which is, you know, it’s it’s both beautiful, but also it it hurts. But I made sure because I was anticipating his death because he was 20, that I made like a million videos, really within specifically the past five years.

00:26:20:05 – 00:26:45:18
Unknown
I just kept waiting for that moment. So I’m glad I have all of that. But the the things that I the one thing I’ve learned through this, this grieving is the love was real, is real. And for those who can’t have children in the cancer space, you know, I got to use all of my maternal instincts on him.

00:26:45:18 – 00:27:25:16
Unknown
And it let me know that I could really love in a really profound way. Thank you so much, Megan. Claire, I appreciate you being vulnerable and and willing to share that. And boy, did that little touch my heart, too, of like, I think one thing a lot of people learn through their grieving experience and one thing that anticipatory grief does signal is there is real love and connection in real care and real concern because if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t likely be grieving this right.

00:27:25:16 – 00:27:52:22
Unknown
And so I’m so glad that you mention that, because, you know, I’ve heard it said like grief is the price we pay for the love that we have. Right. That that’s what’s connected to grief is is love and connection. And it’s just part of the human experience to feel grief when that person, place, thing, animal, human, whatever, that thing is part of ourselves that is no longer available.

00:27:53:01 – 00:28:32:06
Unknown
That’s where the anticipatory grief or the actual grief come from is that loss of that, that love and connection. So thank you for sharing that. Thank you for also mentioning all altars and how powerful altars can be. And also recalling memories and watching videos because those are also really good tools. So some other tools could be like painting or drawing for some people, like expression through dance is a big way in which they grieve and work through their anticipatory grief.

00:28:32:08 – 00:28:54:09
Unknown
Watching movies or listening to songs is a really popular thing that people do, especially ones that you think like might evoke feelings. So I don’t know how old people are in this group, but if any of you have ever seen my girl boy like you want to have your feelings come up and process them, watch my girl because they will.

00:28:54:11 – 00:29:31:04
Unknown
Or the Disney movie Inside Out is a really popular one that gets people to feel kind of really connected to those feelings. Or maybe a song from like Whitney Houston or Adele or Taylor Swift, right? Like they write and sing meaningful stuff. Right? And so Tina Turner’s another really good one. Beyonce is a great one, right? Like, there’s so many talented artists that when they sing songs or they perform shows that you feel like the goose bumps and you feel that deep connection.

00:29:31:06 – 00:29:51:01
Unknown
And so, you know, sometimes people say like, I need a good cry, so I’m going to go watch that show or I’m going to listen to that song. I know that it will bring it up. You know, that is a tool for coping. And so if those are the types of things that help you kind of access those feelings, then I would encourage you use those things.

00:29:51:03 – 00:30:22:18
Unknown
And I also know that people feel hesitant because grief can be really intense. But what I can also tell you about grief is that the intensity may be there, but it’s typically very short term. Obviously, there is things like complicated grief or prolonged grief that exist, but in general, most grief kind of comes up. You acknowledge it. You might want to incorporate a tool or a ritual around it and then it usually kind of quiets back down again until it’s ready to present itself again.

00:30:22:20 – 00:30:55:12
Unknown
So if people would like to put in the chat and just briefly share, what are some of the coping tools that you use to process your grief? Maybe it’s something that I’ve mentioned in that little list of like music and art and movies. Therapeutic writing is one thing, but if anyone has any ideas, I would love it if you put it in the chat because you might inspire someone else to connect to trying out a new tool, or maybe picking out an old tool out of the toolbox that they haven’t used in a while.

00:30:55:14 – 00:31:22:17
Unknown
So I’m just going to look and see what people are writing and I’m sorry I can’t read everything in the chat, but I will do my best to follow along. taking a walk in nature. Yes, being in nature can be really powerful. Walking the dog, the beach, quilting or knitting. These are great. Yes. Meditation. Ooh, doing puzzles.

00:31:22:17 – 00:31:59:14
Unknown
That’s a really common one. Prayer time with children. These are really, really great ones. Gardening. So more mentioning of nature, birdwatching, chanting, mahjong. I love these ideas. Yeah. Connecting with friends. Right. Being out in a social experience because connecting to other people requires your heart to be open and that can sometimes create some space to have your feelings piano reach out and be of service to people.

00:31:59:16 – 00:32:31:08
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah. Reading religious texts can be very helpful. Like the Bible. These are great. Well, yes, keep sharing them because again, you might be inspiring some of the people on this workshop today to consider taking out a tool or maybe trying out a new tool. And it’s also okay if you need to create the tool to work for you, given your circumstances.

00:32:31:08 – 00:32:53:20
Unknown
Right now, you know, maybe right now you’re immune compromised. So being out and being social with your friends or your family is not available. So do you want to get on a group FaceTime or do you want to do a Zoom with a bunch of people or maybe see people individually or see people outside maybe right now walking or going for a walk is a really big challenge.

00:32:53:22 – 00:33:33:13
Unknown
So a client of mine that I work with, she has her bedroom set up in a way that she can overlook her backyard and there’s a pond back there and she can see it from her bedroom. So if she doesn’t feel up to getting outside, she looks out the window and like sees nature. So, you know, making sure that if the tools you’re typically used to for any reason, if they’re not available to you at the time you need them, Is there a way you can, you know, make it fit for you so that you can still get the benefit of using that tool, but not necessarily completely, you know, putting it off as not

00:33:33:13 – 00:33:53:22
Unknown
an option if maybe there’s a way to do it, if there is just, you know, a tweak or an adjustment to it. So thank you. And although I wish we had tons of time to go over what everyone shared about their 3 to 1 exercise, I’m sorry we don’t, but it’s important that you have it and that you know what it is.

00:33:54:00 – 00:34:14:12
Unknown
And maybe at some point in the Q&A section, it will come back around for you and you will want to share something about it. Okay. So rituals, right? So previous slide was a little bit more about the tools. Rituals are a form of a tool, but there are also kind of their own little world in and of itself.

00:34:14:15 – 00:34:46:20
Unknown
So rituals are based in a sequence of activity, right? Often symbolic of something. They involve gestures, right? So that might be like prayer hands or bowing or kneeling, something along that line, they might involve words, right? So these might be a mantra you repeat or a prayer that you say, or this might be from a text from your religion or your culture might involve actions, right?

00:34:46:20 – 00:35:13:09
Unknown
So there might be a place that you go to to do this or you, you know, move your body in a particular way to involve yourself in this ritual. You might light something for this ritual or bury something for this ritual. And usually it’s around revered items. So things that are meaningful to you, things that contain love, contain connection, and again, contain meaning.

00:35:13:10 – 00:35:36:12
Unknown
And most people think of rituals as a kind of very religious activity or religious practice, but rituals do not have to have a religion to be attached to it. They might be more spiritual in nature, so they might be a little more generalized. They might be very cultural. Oftentimes culture and religion do tied together, but they certainly don’t have to.

00:35:36:14 – 00:36:01:01
Unknown
And for a lot of people, they’re based in nature, which may involve some type of religious or spiritual aspect of it, but may have no connection at all to a religious or spiritual aspect. So rituals can be very there’s a very wide net in terms of how religious a ritual can look or feel or be or smell, or you can participate in them.

00:36:01:03 – 00:36:34:10
Unknown
Usually rituals involve some type of routine or exercise or kind of an established sequence of events that you do around them. And rituals can do things like honor, memories of people, places and things that might be like having a photo book. Or as Megan Claire mentioned earlier, having an altar might be like planting a tree, having what I call a god box where you, like, put all your worries and your fears and your struggles and the stuff that’s really weighing on you.

00:36:34:10 – 00:37:00:20
Unknown
And you put it in a box and that’s where it stays or it might be, you know, a place that you go to. So the way in which you have your ritual or create your ritual is really what works for you. And so we are going to do a little bit of a ritual. But I really wanted to hear from you all again in the chat.

00:37:00:22 – 00:37:48:15
Unknown
What are some examples of rituals that you maybe participate in currently? Maybe you’ve participated in the past or maybe something that you would like to cultivate and create for yourself? So again, this might be ideas like lighting candles, burning incense, having an altar, planting a tree. So those are just some examples. But I would love to see in the chat what types of rituals do you participate in or might be open to participating in saying mantras?

00:37:48:17 – 00:38:46:13
Unknown
Mikayla if you want to share, is there particular mantras that you do repeat are burning? Sage that’s a popular one. Devotional music and prayer that is definitely a form of ritual. Are singing in a church choir. That’s wonderful. walking at the beach. You know, water is a really interesting thing as a ritual for grief because, you know, water has to come in and go back out, especially when you’re in nature.

00:38:46:15 – 00:39:07:11
Unknown
And so it’s a really great metaphor of like allowing the feelings to come in. Some waves are really big, some are kind of small, some are kind of under the surface, and then allowing them to hopefully gently go back out, saying I love myself and ask what I’d like to change and think myself for It’s hard work.

00:39:07:13 – 00:39:45:02
Unknown
I love that, Mikayla, thank you. A teal bell ceremony. Yes, Bells, chimes. Musical instruments can be very much a part of rituals, sunrises and sunsets, Hindu practices that involve lighting candles, ringing bells, chants, brushing away negative, bringing in healing. Wonderful. So, yes. So sometimes these rituals do involve religious practices. And for some people, that doesn’t feel as comfortable for.

00:39:45:02 – 00:40:08:00
Unknown
And so if it doesn’t, there’s still ways to incorporate beautiful rituals that don’t have to be attached to a religion. Because I know sometimes that is that can be a challenge for people depending on their history and how they’ve connected to religions in the past. So yeah, the take home is rituals do not have to be religious. They can be very wide reaching.

00:40:08:00 – 00:40:40:09
Unknown
And really the most important part about a ritual is does it feel meaningful to you? It doesn’t really matter if it feels meaningful to me, if it matters, if it feels meaningful to you. So whatever that ritual is for you, as long as it’s meaningful and it feels like you’re connecting to yourself, and maybe that includes something bigger than you, whether that’s a version of a God of a higher power of nature, whatever that is feeling, that connection is what’s most important.

00:40:40:11 – 00:41:18:17
Unknown
Wonderful. Thank you. All right. So another way in which people can experience a ritual is through poetry, through writing, through things that have kind of transcended time and are still very meaningful today. So what I’m going to ask participants to do is I want you to find something in the environment that you’re in right now that you would like to incorporate in this grief ritual.

00:41:18:19 – 00:41:54:23
Unknown
So that could be something you believe to be sacred or special or important or meaningful. Maybe it’s a blanket that you knit. There’s a candle that you love. It might be a piece of jewelry. Maybe you have some crystals around you. Maybe it’s a picture on your phone. So like, open up that album if you want to. Or maybe it’s simply looking out the window at nature or maybe there’s a plant nearby you that you’d like to look at.

00:41:55:01 – 00:42:41:05
Unknown
And I just want you to pause and find that thing and bring that thing to you right. Now. Okay. So you’re going to hope that everyone grabs their thing. I actually did not grab a thing, so I am going to grab my thing. Okay, So I’m holding my thing. And Megan, Claire has a beautiful cat. I’m going to assume that was your cat.

00:42:41:07 – 00:43:12:17
Unknown
Yeah. Okay. All right. So this is a poem that I found that I thought was very meaningful. And it’s short and it’s concise and it recognizes grief. It also happened to. Be read at Princess Diana’s funeral. So it has a real meaning and history behind it. So I’m going to ask Meghan, Meghan Clear if she would be willing to read this poem.

00:43:12:19 – 00:43:48:22
Unknown
And for those of you, although we can’t see or hear you at the moment, if you would like to read along with, I invite you to do that. Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift, for those who fear too long, for those who grieve, too short, for those who rejoice. But for those who love. Time is eternity.

00:43:49:00 – 00:44:39:15
Unknown
You. I just want to leave a minute to allow people to really take in those words. You might want to read that a few more times to yourself. Maybe there is a part of it that really speaks to you. Maybe there is a word that is important to you in that poem and just honor and recognize while you are in the presence of that meaningful item, you might want to look at it, feel it, acknowledge it, just be with it.

00:44:39:17 – 00:46:25:04
Unknown
And if it helps to reread the poem as you hold that thing in your hands or in your environment, allowing those words to just settle in somewhere, to just be with you, to just honor the grief. So if anyone would like to share anything in the chat about that ritual, about that poem, if you want to share the item that you picked, you’re welcome to put that in the chat right now.

00:46:25:06 – 00:47:07:08
Unknown
So I see some chatter about the challenge of having the anticipatory grief and simultaneous ously having to live in the moment. So we’ll talk a little bit about that. It’s a big challenge. I don’t claim to know the answer to how to navigate that challenge perfectly, but maybe we can figure some stuff out for it. So Yvonne held photos of her two grandchildren, pictures of three grandchildren and the grief that you feel that you may not see them grow up.

00:47:07:10 – 00:47:49:10
Unknown
Beautiful daffodils. Catherine Great question. Tools are never meant to necessarily distract. They are there to connect to the grief embrace. Maybe not everyone feels very embracing towards grief, but if that’s the word you prefer to use, definitely. I like to the word connect, but yes, not meant to distract, meant to connect. Yeah. So photos of people in your life who are meaningful animals in your life that are meaningful.

00:47:49:12 – 00:48:21:04
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So we’re almost at the end for today. It’s something that I think is really important when people are exposed and sing anticipatory grief, especially when it’s kind of coming in those waves like the ocean. Some are small or medium, some are large, some crash, some very slowly lap in, some very slowly recede out.

00:48:21:05 – 00:48:45:15
Unknown
So as those feelings come and go sing, something that’s very important is making sure to the best of your ability that you are simultaneously taking very good care of yourself. Yup. That’s my cat. Meow. And in the background she wants some self care of some food. So this is a little chart that I like because it breaks down the difference of what self-care can look like.

00:48:45:19 – 00:49:14:18
Unknown
So maybe for some people self-care does include things like massages, baths, yoga, hanging out with people, reading a self-help book, going on vacation, organizing that very much can be self-care. And if those are things in your self-care practices, those are great and I want you to use those. What it can also look like for some people on some days is like, Can I do the basics can I brush my hair?

00:49:14:20 – 00:49:41:06
Unknown
Can I make my bed? Can I just sit somewhere for a few minutes? Can I say yes or no to something? Can I just call a friend? Maybe. Listen, can I just take a moment to snuggle with my pet or my favorite blanket? Can I be kind to myself? Can I talk to myself in a loving way? So these are all versions of self-care.

00:49:41:08 – 00:50:28:09
Unknown
I just offer this list because I know we live in a culture that very much subscribes to the first column of such things as self-care, and they are, but also the second column, which might be a little less obvious, a little more gentle, a little more quiet, a little more reflective. Those things can also be self-care. So I would encourage you to make sure that you’re picking kind of from both sides of the aisle in terms of what your self-care looks like, because grief requires a lot of energy, anticipatory grief requires a lot of energy, and it’s important to take care of oneself in order to be able to somewhat sustain that energy as you

00:50:28:09 – 00:50:55:00
Unknown
move through your life day to day. Because as we know, life requires a lot of energy, especially if you’re a person that’s, you know, dealing with cancer in cancer treatment or taking care of someone with cancer. So we’re going to go now to some question and answers. I see there’s been some things chatted about and I would love to try to answer some things.

00:50:55:02 – 00:51:37:02
Unknown
Thank you so much, Christi. Especially with that self-care slide like it does not it doesn’t always have to be grand, you know, like a grand thing. We’re getting a lot of questions and it’s both live and that were previously submitted on how do we, as you know, caregivers, family members and like even coping suggestions for those that are terminal patients or those where we know that their death, you know, it may be in a few months, in a few years like that, that kind of pending anticipating type of feeling.

00:51:37:04 – 00:51:58:16
Unknown
Winner What are some things that we can do to both, you know we have that anticipatory grief, but how do we also exist at that same time in the present? Yes, So that’s a great question. I don’t have a perfect algorithm as to how one does that, but I do know there are a few important elements to that.

00:51:58:18 – 00:52:29:19
Unknown
One is using these tools, using these rituals to actually honor and acknowledge what the grief is right now, because very often there isn’t space for that, because there are appointments and there are survival skills that are turning on high and there are paperwork, you know, to fill out. And so making sure there actually is space to pause and honor the grief is really important.

00:52:29:21 – 00:52:58:16
Unknown
I also think finding things in your life that are meaningful, that are purposeful, that might connect to like love or beauty or humor or joy, so that you have things to not only be present for, but also look forward to. So it’s balancing the grief, right? You can make space for the anticipatory grief that you have and acknowledging it.

00:52:58:18 – 00:53:17:22
Unknown
And also make space a day at a time. And maybe it’s I’m going to plan for something next week. Maybe it’s I will plan for something next month. Maybe it’s three months, right. But it’s okay to do it in a way that doesn’t go too far in advance, because sometimes that creates a lot of fear and panic for people.

00:53:18:00 – 00:53:36:20
Unknown
And then the grief kind of comes right back up again of what if I’m not here for it? That is a question that everyone that is dealing with a terminal illness comes across. You know what is it going to look like? When will it happen? What if I’m not here for that? Answer those questions. You’re asking them for a reason.

00:53:37:01 – 00:54:01:12
Unknown
Take a pause. Give yourself a moment. What is the end of that sentence? Of what? If I’m not here for it? Okay, then what? Right. What would you like to do about that now? Or what feelings do you have about the fact that you may not be here for it? So I think just not mulling over those questions, but actually answering them and seeing what have to say to you.

00:54:01:14 – 00:54:33:06
Unknown
So that brings me to what if it is you and you are the one that the terminal cancer stage four or you know, continuous recurrences as I’m thinking of all of our cancer communities that are present here today, you know, like I remember when I had to have a hysterectomy in effect me like I was anticipating like that grief and then when it, when I physically felt empty, that was a whole other type of grief.

00:54:33:08 – 00:55:04:20
Unknown
Yeah. What are some ways that we can cope with that? Yeah, well, I think one thing is what you’ve just essentially said is like recognizing there are stages to this. It is not just I feel grief once the event occurs, it’s I might feel a variety of different types of grief as I am mirroring that event occurring and then once that event occurs, I might feel some different type of grief and then months or years from then I might also feel some type of grief.

00:55:04:22 – 00:55:49:15
Unknown
So I think acknowledging that this is not a linear process, this is not a it goes neatly in a box process. I wish it was too. It is not anticipate that anticipating your grief will be messy. It will be energy draining. Many people may or may not understand what this is like. So I think having a support network of people that you can share about this with, if you so choose, I think incorporating some of the coping tools that people put in the chat and and you know, that we talked about creating rituals around what helps you when that stuff inevitably comes up, How do you want to honor it and process it as opposed

00:55:49:15 – 00:56:18:13
Unknown
to positively, you know, change it around or move on from it? It’s not necessarily about that. It’s about really being present to it. That’s sounds like, that’s really simple. Just be present to it. It’s incredibly difficult. It’s incredibly painful at times. And the wise words of someone that I worked with many years ago was having your feelings won’t harm you.

00:56:18:15 – 00:56:44:20
Unknown
Not having your feelings might harm you. So really being present to those feelings is how we process and live presently and continuously live our lives. But it’s very counterintuitive for people love to be able to like, how do I do it? What’s the algorithm? But everyone’s experience is different, and that’s why I like to give different ideas on tools and rituals, because it’s got to fit for you.

00:56:44:20 – 00:57:16:01
Unknown
It might fit for someone you know, but if it doesn’t fit for you, then there’s not going to be a real benefit for it. Okay. That answers the question. That was I was very wise. You just said it’s it’s so important to feel all the feels when needed. You know, before we wrap up here, I’m thinking about those who are are experiencing anticipatory grief, but they do not have that social support.

00:57:16:01 – 00:57:51:06
Unknown
Or when they do express this type of grief, their friends and family members say, you know what? You’re just like, why are you being so depressing? Why are you doing this? What are some things that, you know, a person could do? What They aren’t feeling supported? Yeah, that is a great question because that’s a very real thing. You’ve got lots of options you’re already at one right now, which is being amongst a group of people who are interested in the same subject as you that makes people feel much less alone.

00:57:51:08 – 00:58:13:09
Unknown
That might mean joining a cancer support group or that might mean getting like a peer match that you can talk one on one with. Sometimes it is going to these workshops. Getting these educational resources can be very validating and make people feel very connected. Obviously, I’m biased and I’m going to recommend you get a therapist because of the therapies.

00:58:13:10 – 00:58:34:23
Unknown
But I say that partly because I work with lots of people who have family and friends who are just not able to provide them the support that they need. And somehow talking to a stranger who has this mental health training is transforming and connecting for them. If you need information on how to find a therapist, we can get you that information.

00:58:34:23 – 00:58:58:18
Unknown
It’s much easier nowadays than it used to be If cost is a concern for you, there are ways to find it for free or low cost or on a sliding scale. So I think navigating to the people, places and things that you think would actually give that to you because I promise they are out there. You might have to do a little digging to find it because it’s not always the people that you hope it would be.

00:58:58:20 – 00:59:32:18
Unknown
And that in and of itself has grief. Kristi Case, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And just see all the love and the chat that you are getting. This was so helpful, just such a thoughtful presentation and we really thank you and all of the participants here for your questions as well. So we will have a recording of this program on our website in about 1 to 2 weeks, I think.

00:59:32:23 – 01:00:03:15
Unknown
Don’t worry everyone. I think I’m going to pull that poem because I found that really, really helpful as well. So again, thank you so much, Kristy, for your expertise, your time and your compassion and talking with our shared cancer community and our caregiver community. So everyone, Victoria, if you can get those screens up. If you could stop sharing for a minute so we can get our screens up as we say goodbye.

01:00:03:17 – 01:00:36:06
Unknown
All tight. Hold tight. So basically it’s make sure to check out SHARE’s website for our upcoming programs podcast episodes and our upcoming support groups. So a little screenshot here, but again, you can go to sharecancersupport.org, and see what specifically have and don’t worry, we will have part two in our Grief series next month. So stay tuned and please take a moment to fill out the survey.

01:00:36:08 – 01:01:01:06
Unknown
At the end of this webinar. It’ll pop up in the browser as soon as you leave and please fill them out. They’re all anonymous and that is what we use to drive our content. And it was your feedback that ended up bringing this amazing brief series to life. So thank you everyone. Look at that, love. Thank you, Christine.

01:01:01:08 – 01:01:37:06
Unknown
thank you. And I saw some people were asking when the next ones are. I think I have the dates on May 24th. Friday. May 24th. Yes. And then Friday, June 24. Nope. Friday, June 14th. Yes. And Diane, don’t forget to share cancer support. And under any of the cancers that we support, you’ll find this program because it’s for all cancers that we serve.

01:01:37:06 – 01:01:42:10
Unknown
Okay. Thank you, everyone. Thank you.